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Apr 20, 2004
Fuck Wo-Hen Nankan (Whoever the fuck that is.)
This inspiring post was brought to you by "Somersault" by Zero 7. Mmmm....electronic jazz....
Musical fellatio aside, on a routine scouring of one of my favourite internet sites The Internet is Stupid, I stumbled upon one of the most fevered egos of the music scene. It wouldn't be so bad if fevered ego in question was an established star like Bob Dylan, Mick Jagger or somebody else that deserves a fucking ego, but instead it's some Chinese immigrant assfuck named Wo-Hen Nankan. Apparently this assfucking shitsucker has a web following of either sycophantic goobertards or just people going along with him because he's so ridiculous that he's fucking funny as shit.
On top of the guy having absolutely no credibility as a musician, he's ugly as sin. The best way I can describe him is umm...let's see....if Michael Jackson and Prince got drunk, fucked each other in the ass, felched the sperm out of each other's asses and spit it into a test tube where it was then put into a Bangkok hooker's womb, then there would be Wo-Hen Nankan. However, I'm pretty sure that it's just a photoshopped composite of Michael Jackson and Prince put on a bunch of crossdressers wearing some pretty ridiculous clothing. If I could save his pictures and then put them up here, I would. But I can't, so you'll just have to click on the links to his page that I'm going to strategically place throughout today's entry.
But hey, looks don't necessarily mean everything right? I mean, Motorhead would still be playing bar shows in Podunk, Iowa if I wasn't right. On top of that he's a pathological liar as well as a certain "R" word I won't use for PC reasons. Ah...fuck it. Ok, he's retarded. Or maybe not, but it's fun to say retarded. If you'll notice, most of the photos in his picture section look so fucking fake it's just cheesy, which brings me back to my point about him possibly being just a photoshopped composite of Prince and Michael Jackson. Oh yeah, did I mention he likes to bring up his possessions and amount of money a lot? Well, he does. Anyway, check out the site. Meanwhile, I'm waiting on a song to download, so as I urge you to read the site it is now 12:08 in the AM, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and go plan Fuck Wo-Hen Nankan day as soon as I get a digital camera ready so I can make an excelent pictorial tribute to motherfucking Wo-Hen Nankan. Oh, and if you have AOL Instant Messenger, IM him at WoHen 213.
Holla holla, bitch.
Posted at 01:20 am by kwahammer
Mar 30, 2004
Miscellaneous Ramblings and 3:00 Smoke Breaks
Whoa....it's been like a fucking month since I updated this thing. Well, you know how a good drug and alcohol binge goes, once you start it takes an occurence of catastrophic proportions to stop. I guess if those stupid anti-drug freevibe commercials are correct, I need a friend with the courage to talk me out of my "problem".
The More Things Change
There's finally a show on cable TV that I don't bitch fervently about called "This Just In" on Spike TV about 10:00 PM on Sunday. If you have more than two brain cells (which mind you, is a lot to ask of your average cable viewer, let alone the Spike TV audience) and a grasp of current events and political issues, then you'll fucking love it.
Speaking of political issues, Bush finally has his scapegoat. Thankfully, it was a fitting member of his illegitimate cabinet. And yes, I'm talking about that stupid bitch Condoleeza Rice. Until the whole C-Rice situation was brought up, I was completely unaware of the position of National Security Advisor and its rigorous demands of making sure nothing fucked up happens like planes crashing into buildings and shit like that. Of course, instead of heeding the Clinton administration's warnings of the possibility of an Al-Qaeda attack (because you can only bully so many countries and put so many dictators in power in the name of imperialism before people start getting a little bit menstrual), she stood in the "Fellate the President" line with the media and Karl Rove. Well, before I spend the rest of the night bitching about this, we'll just change topic.
Oh yeah, and the state of Indiana finally legalized gay marriage. Kudos to my backwater state government for finally doing a radical and progressive move.
The More things stay the Same.
Well, I was watching David Letterman with my sister tonight and David Letterman's STILL talking about Janet Jackson's titty incident at the Super Bowl. Now, this leads me to a very important and deep philosophical question. It's actually two, so brace yourself.
1) Titties (or knockers, snacktrays, hooters, gazongas, boobs, breasts, etc.) have played a pivotal role in the whole life/breastfeeding/giving men something to pathetically drool over since the beginning of human history, so what's the big fucking deal? They're boobs. Every woman has them, and without them high school kids would have nothing to stare at.
Any parent that worries that their children may have been "corrupted" by Janet Jackson's star covered breast, is citing the wrong reasons for corruption. Try listening to the lyrics of those 50 Cent and Nelly CD's you buy your kids. Better yet, watch your kids play GTA: Vice City for a few hours. YOU ponied up the cash for it, you'd better at least know what the fuck your kids are doing with it. Try being responsible parents, you ignorant fucks.
2) This may be the most obvious question. What CBS pay those incompetent writers for? They have Janet Jackson, who is probably the only person more sick of hearing about her boobs than I am, come to New York only to hear David Letterman's gap toothed bitch ass crack "jokes" and grill her with fucking asinine questions about the "incident". What the fuck?
And there's my bitching for today. Sorry if it's a bit more abrasive than usual, but it's like 3:30 in the fucking morning and I need a cigarette. And plus, who the fuck actually reads this shit anyway?
Posted at 03:29 am by kwahammer
Feb 18, 2004
The other day, my friend Matt (The person I named by blog address after) rented the box set of the first season of Dawson's Creek. Now, I'm not an avid TV watcher, so thankfully I was spared from the horror that is Dawson's Creek. Well, at least until last fucking night. After about three episode straight of this critically acclaimed waste of celluloid, I stumbled to bed and passed out.
After the horrendous hellfest, I decided to forego my earlier idea of making a blog entry about my town and instead devote my negative ki toward a more fitting target. That target is that unbelievable menstrual bitch known as Dawson Leary. (Or James Vanderbeek for those of you who aren't really good with character names.) I also learned something very valuable from that experience.
WATCHING DAWSON'S CREEK MAKES YOUR TESTICLES SMALLER!
To save myself millions of dollars worth of therapy, I'm passing my horrors onto you, the reader, in terms of horrific war stories and graphic detail about Dawson's last period. I figure all I'm going to do is a summary of all the characters that I saw and just leave it at that. Something about relapses, I'm not sure.
We'll start with the prime candidate to be pushed into a wood chipper, Dawson.
Man, he just fucking screams no balls, doesn't he? Through the three episodes of that shitfest I watched, I endured his stupid crush of the New York bitch, (we'll get to her in a minute.) and his stupid quest for B-movie glory, which he obsessed about in equally distributed amounts.
General consensus among the "PLEASE DEAR GOD NO MORE DAWSON'S CREEK!" contingent last night is that he's probably gay, or at the very least extremely feminine. Which leads me to the belief that my friend who rented this shit is in fact attempting to emulate the gay that is Dawson Leary. Man, just writing that makes my blood boil so I'll move onto a much more visually pleasing subject.
Joey
Sent from the U.S. Department of Marital Fidelity and Blueberry Muffin Delivery, Joey's purpose so far is to make sure Dawson's cheating slut of a MILF doesn't fuck her co-anchor by guilt trips, threats of revealing information and blueberry muffins that launch grade A, American poo. She's also Dawson's best friend and probably only person that as of yet knows that Dawson's really gay and the crush on New Yorker Jenny is just a big cover up. God damn it, does everything I write know have to go back to how gay Dawson is? Ok, next subject!
Pacey
Dawson's crimefighting sidekick and employee at some local video store. He fits the stereotype for the average 15-year old, only with a vocabulary that expands past words of the four-letter variety. And better dressed. Pacey has a borderline obsessive crush on his English teacher, but may just be the most normal person in the entire fucking show.
Jen
Well....I hadn't just lost interest in finishing this, I'd have something here. Instead, I'll just rattle off at the mouth about how she could without a doubt kick any whiny pussy bitch's ass on that show and then booty dance all over their bodies. Man, I fucking hate that show.
In conclusion, any comments about how I've only watched 3 episodes or anything else about how my information is incomplete or inaccurate can be directed to the inner reaches of your asshole as well as my size 13. By my own admission, I know nothing about Dawson's Creek any further than last night and to be quite frank, I don't really care to know anything else. If you're still with me, come back next time when I have a better idea for a post.
Posted at 12:53 pm by kwahammer
Feb 10, 2004
Welcome to The Legend of Joe!
Yes, you've stumbled upon my little corner of the well-overpopulated web. I figure I'll use my first post with the ever-so-cliché introduction. I do this for two reasons. One: It's 1:15 in the fucking morning, and I'm pretty damn tired. Two: It allows me to talk about my favourite subject in the world. ME! But you probably already knew that because I opened a blog, which would lead you to believe that I think I'm so important that you, the reader, who I will probably never meet in real life, would care about whatever the fuck goes on in some complete stranger's day-to-day life. Sooner or later, I'll get around to decorating the front of the page with a big picture of me for all the ladies to salivate and get all wet.....with perspiration over.
Anyway, here are some facts that you might want to know.
Real Name: Joe Momma
Age: 20
Occupation: Professional Asshole and Nu-Metal Consultant (That's code for none of your fucking business.)
Hobbies: Music, Video Games and Marijuanna Activism
Favourite Bands: Massive Attack, The White Stripes, The Strokes, Blink 182, Incubus
Political Affiliation: Communist (Because it works so well on paper.)
Favourite Game of the Moment: Madden 2004 or Ghost Recon
Yeah, anyway, that's it. It's 1:30 and I need a cigarette before bed. Tune in next time for my first real post entitled: FUCK BEDFORD, INDIANA!
Posted at 01:39 am by kwahammer
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